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cram the guitar down her throat； and had injured her for life。
My friend said he used to lure muffin…men into the passage and then
stuff them with their own wares till they burst and died。 He said he had
quieted eighteen that way。
Young men and women who recited long and dreary poems at evening
parties； and callow youths who walked about the streets late at night；
playing concertinas； he used to get together and poison in batches of ten；
so as to save expense； and park orators and temperance lecturers he used
to shut up six in a small room with a glass of water and a collection…box
apiece； and let them talk each other to death。
It did one good to listen to him。
I asked him when he expected the other ghoststhe ghosts of the wait
and the cornet…player； and the German band that Uncle John had
mentioned。 He smiled； and said they would never come again； any of
them。
I said； 〃Why； isn't it true； then； that they meet you here every
Christmas Eve for a row？〃
He replied that it WAS true。 Every Christmas Eve； for twenty…five
years； had he and they fought in that room； but they would never trouble
him nor anybody else again。 One by one； had he laid them out； spoilt；
and utterly useless for all haunting purposes。 He had finished off the last
German…band ghost that very evening； just before I came upstairs； and had
thrown what was left of it out through the slit between the window…sashes。
He said it would never be worth calling a ghost again。
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〃I suppose you will still come yourself； as usual？〃 I said。 〃They
would be sorry to miss you； I know。〃
〃Oh； I don't know；〃 he replied； 〃there's nothing much to come for now。
Unless；〃 he added kindly； 〃YOU are going to be here。 I'll come if you
will sleep here next Christmas Eve。〃
〃I have taken a liking to you；〃 he continued； 〃you don't fly off；
screeching； when you see a party； and your hair doesn't stand on end。
You've no idea；〃 he said； 〃how sick I am of seeing people's hair standing
on end。〃
He said it irritated him。
Just then a slight noise reached us from the yard below； and he started
and turned deathly black。
〃You are ill；〃 I cried； springing towards him； 〃tell me the best thing to
do for you。 Shall I drink some brandy； and give you the ghost of it？〃
He remained silent； listening intently for a moment； and then he gave a
sigh of relief； and the shade came back to his cheek。
〃It's all right；〃 he murmured； 〃I was afraid it was the cock。〃
〃Oh； it's too early for that；〃 I said。 〃Why； it's only the middle of the
night。〃
〃Oh； that doesn't make any difference to those cursed chickens；〃 he
replied bitterly。 〃They would just as soon crow in the middle of the night
as at any other timesooner； if they thought it would spoil a chap's
evening out。 I believe they do it on purpose。〃
He said a friend of his； the ghost of a man who had killed a water… rate
collector； used to haunt a house in Long Acre； where they kept fowls in the
cellar； and every time a policeman went by and flashed his bull's…eye down
the grating； the old cock there would fancy it was the sun； and start
crowing like mad； when； of course； the poor ghost had to dissolve； and it
would； in consequence； get back home sometimes as early as one o'clock
in the morning； swearing fearfully because it had only been out for an
hour。
I agreed that it seemed very unfair。
〃Oh； it's an absurd arrangement altogether；〃 he continued； quite angrily。
〃I can't imagine what our old man could have been thinking of when he
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made it。 As I have said to him； over and over again； 'Have a fixed time；
and let everybody stick to itsay four o'clock in summer； and six in winter。
Then one would know what one was about。'〃
〃How do you manage when there isn't any cock handy？〃 I inquired。
He was on the point of replying； when again he started and listened。
This time I distinctly heard Mr。 Bowles's cock； next door； crow twice。
〃There you are；〃 he said； rising and reaching for his hat； 〃that's the sort
of thing we have to put up with。 What IS the time？〃
I looked at my watch； and found it was half…past three。
〃I thought as much；〃 he muttered。 〃I'll wring that blessed bird's neck
if I get hold of it。〃 And he prepared to go。
〃If you can wait half a minute；〃 I said； getting out of bed； 〃I'll go a bit
of the way with you。〃
〃It's very good of you；〃 he rejoined； pausing； 〃but it seems unkind to
drag you out。〃
〃Not at all；〃 I replied； 〃I shall like a walk。〃 And I partially dressed
myself； and took my umbrella； and he put his arm through mine； and we
went out together。
Just by the gate we met Jones； one of the local constables。
〃Good…night； Jones；〃 I said （I always feel affable at Christmas… time）。
〃Good…night； sir；〃 answered the man a little gruffly； I thought。 〃May I
ask what you're a…doing of？〃
〃Oh； it's all right；〃 I responded； with a wave of my umbrella； 〃I'm just
seeing my friend part of the way home。〃
He said； 〃What friend？〃
〃Oh； ah； of course；〃 I laughed； 〃I forgot。 He's invisible to you。 He is
the ghost of the gentleman that killed the wait。 I'm just going to the
corner with him。〃
〃Ah； I don't think I would； if I was you； sir；〃 said Jones severely。 〃If
you take my advice； you'll say good…bye to your friend here； and go back
indoors。 Perhaps you are not aware that you are walking about with
nothing on but a night…shirt and a pair of boots and an opera…hat。
Where's your trousers？〃
I did not like the man's manner at all。 I said； 〃Jones！ I don't wish to
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have to report you； but it seems to me you've been drinking。 My trousers
are where a man's trousers ought to beon his legs。 I distinctly
remember putting them on。〃
〃Well； you haven't got them on now；〃 he retorted。
〃I beg your pardon；〃 I replied。 〃I tell you I have； I think I ought to
know。〃
〃I think so； too；〃 he answered； 〃but you evidently don't。 Now you
come along indoors with me； and don't let's have any more of it。〃
Uncle John came to the door at this point； having been awaked； I
suppose； by the altercation； and； at the same moment； Aunt Maria
appeared at the window in her nightcap。
I explained the constable's mistake to them； treating the matter as
lightly as I could； so as not to get the man into trouble； and I turned for
confirmation to the ghost。
He was gone！ He had left me without a wordwithout even saying
good…bye！
It struck me as so unkind； his having gone off in that way； that I burst
into tears； and Uncle John came out； and led me back into the house。
On reaching my room； I discovered that Jones was right。 I had not
put on my trousers； after all。 They were still hanging over the bed…rail。
I suppose； in my anxiety not to keep the ghost waiting； I must have
forgotten them。
Such are the plain facts of the case； out of which it must； doubtless； to
the healthy； charitable mind appear impossible that calumny could spring。
But it has。
PersonsI say 'persons'have professed themselves unable to
understand the simple circumstances herein narrated； except in the light of
explanations at once misleading and insulting。 Slurs have been cast and
aspersions made on me by those of my own flesh and blood。
But I bear no ill…feeling。 I merely； as I have said； set forth this
statement for the purpose of clearing my character from injurious
suspicion。
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