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TOLD AFTER SUPPER
TOLD AFTER SUPPER
by Jerome K。 Jerome
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TOLD AFTER SUPPER
INTRODUCTORY
It was Christmas Eve。
I begin this way because it is the proper； orthodox； respectable way to
begin； and I have been brought up in a proper； orthodox； respectable way；
and taught to always do the proper； orthodox； respectable thing； and the
habit clings to me。
Of course； as a mere matter of information it is quite unnecessary to
mention the date at all。 The experienced reader knows it was Christmas
Eve； without my telling him。 It always is Christmas Eve； in a ghost story；
Christmas Eve is the ghosts' great gala night。 On Christmas Eve they
hold their annual fete。 On Christmas Eve everybody in Ghostland who
IS anybodyor rather； speaking of ghosts； one should say； I suppose； every
nobody who IS any nobodycomes out to show himself or herself； to see
and to be seen； to promenade about and display their winding…sheets and
grave…clothes to each other； to criticise one another's style； and sneer at
one another's complexion。
〃Christmas Eve parade；〃 as I expect they themselves term it； is a
function； doubtless； eagerly prepared for and looked forward to throughout
Ghostland； especially the swagger set； such as the murdered Barons； the
crime…stained Countesses； and the Earls who came over with the
Conqueror； and assassinated their relatives； and died raving mad。
Hollow moans and fiendish grins are； one may be sure； energetically
practised up。 Blood…curdling shrieks and marrow…freezing gestures are
probably rehearsed for weeks beforehand。 Rusty chains and gory
daggers are over…hauled； and put into good working order； and sheets and
shrouds； laid carefully by from the previous year's show； are taken down
and shaken out； and mended； and aired。
Oh； it is a stirring night in Ghostland； the night of December the
twenty…fourth！
Ghosts never come out on Christmas night itself； you may have
noticed。 Christmas Eve； we suspect； has been too much for them； they
are not used to excitement。 For about a week after Christmas Eve； the
gentlemen ghosts； no doubt； feel as if they were all head； and go about
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making solemn resolutions to themselves that they will stop in next
Christmas Eve； while lady spectres are contradictory and snappish； and
liable to burst into tears and leave the room hurriedly on being spoken to；
for no perceptible cause whatever。
Ghosts with no position to maintainmere middle…class ghosts
occasionally； I believe； do a little haunting on off…nights： on All…hallows
Eve； and at Midsummer； and some will even run up for a mere local
eventto celebrate； for instance； the anniversary of the hanging of
somebody's grandfather； or to prophesy a misfortune。
He does love prophesying a misfortune； does the average British ghost。
Send him out to prognosticate trouble to somebody； and he is happy。 Let
him force his way into a peaceful home； and turn the whole house upside
down by foretelling a funeral； or predicting a bankruptcy； or hinting at a
coming disgrace； or some other terrible disaster； about which nobody in
their senses want to know sooner they could possibly help； and the prior
knowledge of which can serve no useful purpose whatsoever； and he feels
that he is combining duty with pleasure。 He would never forgive himself
if anybody in his family had a trouble and he had not been there for a
couple of months beforehand； doing silly tricks on the lawn； or balancing
himself on somebody's bed…rail。
Then there are； besides； the very young； or very conscientious ghosts
with a lost will or an undiscovered number weighing heavy on their minds；
who will haunt steadily all the year round； and also the fussy ghost； who is
indignant at having been buried in the dust…bin or in the village pond； and
who never gives the parish a single night's quiet until somebody has paid
for a first…class funeral for him。
But these are the exceptions。 As I have said； the average orthodox
ghost does his one turn a year； on Christmas Eve； and is satisfied。
Why on Christmas Eve； of all nights in the year； I never could myself
understand。 It is invariably one of the most dismal of nights to be out in…
…cold； muddy； and wet。 And besides； at Christmas time； everybody has
quite enough to put up with in the way of a houseful of living relations；
without wanting the ghosts of any dead ones mooning about the place； I
am sure。
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There must be something ghostly in the air of Christmassomething
about the close； muggy atmosphere that draws up the ghosts； like the
dampness of the summer rains brings out the frogs and snails。
And not only do the ghosts themselves always walk on Christmas Eve；
but live people always sit and talk about them on Christmas Eve。
Whenever five or six English…speaking people meet round a fire on
Christmas Eve； they start telling each other ghost stories。 Nothing satisfies
us on Christmas Eve but to hear each other tell authentic anecdotes about
spectres。 It is a genial； festive season； and we love to muse upon graves；
and dead bodies； and murders； and blood。
There is a good deal of similarity about our ghostly experiences； but
this of course is not our fault but the fault ghosts； who never will try any
new performances； but always will keep steadily to old； safe business。
The consequence is that； when you have been at one Christmas Eve party；
and heard six people relate their adventures with spirits； you do not require
to hear any more ghost stories。 To listen to any further ghost stories after
that would be like sitting out two farcical comedies； or taking in two
comic journals； the repetition would become wearisome。
There is always the young man who was； one year； spending the
Christmas at a country house； and； on Christmas Eve； they put him to
sleep in the west wing。 Then in the middle of the night； the room door
quietly opens and somebodygenerally a lady in her night…dresswalks
slowly in； and comes and sits on the bed。 The young man thinks it must
be one of the visitors； or some relative of the family； though he does not
remember having previously seen her； who； unable to go to sleep； and
feeling lonesome； all by herself； has come into his room for a chat。 He
has no idea it is a ghost： he is so unsuspicious。 She does not speak；
however； and； when he looks again； she is gone！
The young man relates the circumstance at the breakfast…table next
morning； and asks each of the ladies present if it were she who was his
visitor。 But they all assure him that it was not； and the host； who has
grown deadly pale； begs him to say no more about the matter； which
strikes the young man as a singularly strange request。
After breakfast the host takes the young man into a corner； and
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explains to him that what he saw was the ghost of a lady who had been
murdered in that very bed； or who had murdered somebody else thereit
does not really matter which： you can be a ghost by murdering
somebody else or by being murdered yourself； whichever you prefer。
The murdered ghost is； perhaps； the more popular； but； on the other hand；
you can frighten people better if you are the murdered one； because then
you can show your wounds and do groans。
Then there is the sceptical guestit is always 'the guest' who gets let in
for this sort of thing； by…the…bye。 A ghos