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sort of hope that I should kill myself by all these excesses； and I think it
will not be long before this hope is realized。 My health naturally got worse
and worse； and when I sent Mme。 Duvernoy to ask you for pity I was
utterly worn out； body and soul。
I will not remind you； Armand； of the return you made for the last
proof of love that I gave you； and of the outrage by which you drove away
a dying woman； who could not resist your voice when you asked her for a
night of love； and who； like a fool； thought for one instant that she might
again unite the past with the present。 You had the right to do what you did；
Armand； people have not always put so high a price on a night of mine！
I left everything after that。 Olympe has taken my place with the Comte
de N。； and has told him； I hear； the reasons for my leaving him。 The Comte
de G。 was at London。 He is one of those men who give just enough
importance to making love to women like me for it to be an agreeable
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pastime； and who are thus able to remain friends with women； not hating
them because they have never been jealous of them； and he is； too； one of
those grand seigneurs who open only a part of their hearts to us； but the
whole of their purses。 It was of him that I immediately thought。 I joined
him in London。 He received me as kindly as possible； but he was the lover
there of a woman in society； and he feared to compromise himself if he
were seen with me。 He introduced me to his friends； who gave a supper in
my honour； after which one of them took me home with him。
What else was there for me to do； my friend？ If I had killed myself it
would have burdened your life； which ought to be happy； with a needless
remorse； and then； what is the good of killing oneself when one is so near
dying already？
I became a body without a soul； a thing without a thought； I lived for
some time in that automatic way； then I returned to Paris； and asked after
you； I heard then that you were gone on a long voyage。 There was nothing
left to hold me to life。 My existence became what it had been two years
before I knew you。 I tried to win back the duke； but I had offended him too
deeply。 Old men are not patient； no doubt because they realize that they
are not eternal。 I got weaker every day。 I was pale and sad and thinner than
ever。 Men who buy love examine the goods before taking them。 At Paris
there were women in better health； and not so thin as I was； I was rather
forgotten。 That is all the past up to yesterday。
Now I am seriously ill。 I have written to the duke to ask him for
money； for I have none； and the creditors have returned； and come to me
with their bills with pitiless perseverance。 Will the duke answer？ Why are
you not in Paris； Armand？ You would come and see me； and your visits
would do me good。
December 20。
The weather is horrible； it is snowing； and I am alone。 I have been in
such a fever for the last three days that I could not write you a word。 No
news； my friend； every day I hope vaguely for a letter from you； but it
does not come； and no doubt it will never come。 Only men are strong
enough not to forgive。 The duke has not answered。
Prudence is pawning my things again。
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I have been spitting blood all the time。 Oh； you would be sorry for me
if you could see me。 You are indeed happy to be under a warm sky； and
not； like me； with a whole winter of ice on your chest。 To…day I got up for
a little while； and looked out through the curtains of my window； and
watched the life of Paris passing below； the life with which I have now
nothing more to do。 I saw the faces of some people I knew； passing rapidly；
joyous and careless。 Not one lifted his eyes to my window。 However； a
few young men have come to inquire for me。 Once before I was ill； and
you； though you did not know me； though you had had nothing from me
but an impertinence the day I met you first； you came to inquire after me
every day。 We spent six months together。 I had all the love for you that a
woman's heart can hold and give； and you are far away； you are cursing
me； and there is not a word of consolation from you。 But it is only chance
that has made you leave me； I am sure； for if you were at Paris； you would
not leave my bedside。
December 25。
My doctor tells me I must not write every day。 And indeed my
memories only increase my fever； but yesterday I received a letter which
did me good； more because of what it said than by the material help which
it contained。 I can write to you； then； to…day。 This letter is from your father；
and this is what it says：
〃MADAME： I have just learned that you are ill。 If I were at Paris I
would come and ask after you myself； if my son were here I would send
him； but I can not leave C。； and Armand is six or seven hundred leagues
from here； permit me； then； simply to write to you； madame； to tell you
how pained I am to hear of your illness； and believe in my sincere wishes
for your speedy recovery。
One of my good friends； M。 H。； will call on you； will you kindly
receive him？ I have intrusted him with a commission； the result of which I
await impatiently。 〃Believe me； madame；
〃Yours most faithfully。〃
This is the letter he sent me。 Your father has a noble heart； love him
well； my friend； for there are few men so worthy of being loved。 This
paper signed by his name has done me more good than all the
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prescriptions of our great doctor。
This morning M。 H。 called。 He seemed much embarrassed by the
delicate mission which M。 Duval had intrusted to him。 As a matter of fact；
he came to bring me three thousand francs from your father。 I wanted to
refuse at first； but M。 H。 told me that my refusal would annoy M。 Duval；
who had authorized him to give me this sum now； and later on whatever I
might need。 I accepted it； for； coming from your father； it could not be
exactly taking alms。 If I am dead when you come back； show your father
what I have written for him； and tell him that in writing these lines the
poor woman to whom he was kind enough to write so consoling a letter
wept tears of gratitude and prayed God for him。
January 4。
I have passed some terrible days。 I never knew the body could suffer
so。 Oh； my past life！ I pay double for it now。
There has been some one to watch by me every night； I can not
breathe。 What remains of my poor existence is shared between being
delirious and coughing。
The dining…room is full of sweets and all sorts of presents that my
friends have brought。 Some of them； I dare say； are hoping that I shall be
their mistress later on。 If they could see what sickness has made of me；
they would go away in terror。
Prudence is giving her New Year's presents with those I have received。
There is a thaw； and the doctor says that I may go out in a few days if
the fine weather continues。
January 8。
I went out yesterday in my carriage。 The weather was lovely。 The
Champs…Elysees was full of people。 It was like the first smile of spring。
Everything about me had a festal air。 I never knew before that a ray of
sunshine could contain so much joy； sweetness； and consolation。
I met almost all the people I knew； all happy； all absorbed in their
pleasures。 How many happy people don't even know that they are happy！
Olympe passed me in an elegant carriage that M。 de N。 has given her。 She
tried to insult me by her look。 She little knows how far I am from such
things now。 A nice fellow； whom I have known for a long time； asked me
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if I would have supper with him and one of his friends； who； he said； was
very anxious to make my acquaintance。 I smiled sadly and gave him my
ha