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insignificant actions。 Naturally we have no friends。 We have selfish lovers
who spend their fortunes； riot on us； as they say； but on their own vanity。
For these people we have to be merry when they are merry； well when
they want to sup； sceptics like themselves。 We are not allowed to have
hearts； under penalty of being hooted down and of ruining our credit。
〃We no longer belong to ourselves。 We are no longer beings； but things。
We stand first in their self…esteem； last in their esteem。 We have women
who call themselves our friends； but they are friends like Prudence；
women who were once kept and who have still the costly tastes that their
age does not allow them to gratify。 Then they become our friends； or rather
our guests at table。 Their friendship is carried to the point of servility；
never to that of disinterestedness。 Never do they give you advice which is
not lucrative。 It means little enough to them that we should have ten lovers
extra； as long as they get dresses or a bracelet out of them； and that they
can drive in our carriage from time to time or come to our box at the
theatre。 They have our last night's bouquets； and they borrow our shawls。
They never render us a service； however slight； without seeing that they
are paid twice its value。 You yourself saw when Prudence brought me the
six thousand francs that I had asked her to get from the duke； how she
borrowed five hundred francs； which she will never pay me back； or which
she will pay me in hats； which will never be taken out of their boxes。
〃We can not； then； have； or rather I can not have more than one
possible kind of happiness； and this is； sad as I sometimes am； suffering as
I always am； to find a man superior enough not to ask questions about my
life； and to be the lover of my impressions rather than of my body。 Such a
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man I found in the duke； but the duke is old； and old age neither protects
nor consoles。 I thought I could accept the life which he offered me； but
what would you have？ I was dying of ennui； and if one is bound to be
consumed； it is as well to throw oneself into the flames as to be
asphyxiated with charcoal。
〃Then I met you； young； ardent； happy； and I tried to make you the
man I had longed for in my noisy solitude。 What I loved in you was not
the man who was； but the man who was going to be。 You do not accept the
position； you reject it as unworthy of you； you are an ordinary lover。 Do
like the others； pay me； and say no more about it。〃
Marguerite； tired out with this long confession； threw herself back on
the sofa； and to stifle a slight cough put up her handkerchief to her lips；
and from that to her eyes。
〃Pardon； pardon；〃 I murmured。 〃I understood it all； but I wanted to
have it from your own lips； my beloved Marguerite。 Forget the rest and
remember only one thing： that we belong to one another； that we are
young； and that we love。 Marguerite； do with me as you will； I am your
slave； your dog； but in the name of heaven tear up the letter which I wrote
to you and do not make me leave you to…morrow； it would kill me。〃
Marguerite drew the letter from her bosom； and handing it to me with
a smile of infinite sweetness； said：
〃Here it is。 I have brought it back。〃
I tore the letter into fragments and kissed with tears the hand that gave
it to me。
At this moment Prudence reappeared。
〃Look here； Prudence； do you know what he wants？〃 said Marguerite。
〃He wants you to forgive him。〃
〃Precisely。〃
〃And you do？〃
〃One has to； but he wants more than that。〃
〃What； then？〃
〃He wants to have supper with us。〃
〃And do you consent？〃
〃What do you think？〃
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〃I think that you are two children who haven't an atom of sense
between you； but I also think that I am very hungry； and that the sooner
you consent the sooner we shall have supper。〃
〃Come；〃 said Marguerite； 〃there is room for the three of us in my
carriage。〃
〃By the way；〃 she added； turning to me； 〃Nanine will be gone to bed。
You must open the door； take my key； and try not to lose it again。〃
I embraced Marguerite until she was almost stifled。
Thereupon Joseph entered。
〃Sir；〃 he said； with the air of a man who is very well satisfied with
himself； 〃the luggage is packed。〃
〃All of it？〃
〃Yes； sir。〃
〃Well； then； unpack it again； I am not going。〃
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CHAPTER 16
I might have told you of the beginning of this liaison in a few lines；
but I wanted you to see every step by which we came； I to agree to
whatever Marguerite wished； Marguerite to be unable to live apart from
me。
It was the day after the evening when she came to see me that I sent
her Manon Lescaut。
From that time； seeing that I could not change my mistress's life； I
changed my own。 I wished above all not to leave myself time to think over
the position I had accepted； for； in spite of myself； it was a great distress to
me。 Thus my life； generally so calm； assumed all at once an appearance of
noise and disorder。 Never believe； however disinterested the love of a kept
woman may be； that it will cost one nothing。 Nothing is so expensive as
their caprices； flowers； boxes at the theatre； suppers； days in the country；
which one can never refuse to one's mistress。 As I have told you； I had
little money。 My father was； and still is； receveur general at C。 He has a
great reputation there for loyalty； thanks to which he was able to find the
security which he needed in order to attain this position。
It is worth forty thousand francs a year； and during the ten years that
he has had it； he has paid off the security and put aside a dowry for my
sister。 My father is the most honourable man in the world。 When my
mother died； she left six thousand francs a year； which he divided between
my sister and myself on the very day when he received his appointment；
then； when I was twenty…one； he added to this little income an annual
allowance of five thousand francs； assuring me that with eight thousand
francs a year I might live very happily at Paris； if； in addition to this； I
would make a position for myself either in law or medicine。 I came to
Paris； studied law； was called to the bar； and； like many other young men；
put my diploma in my pocket； and let myself drift； as one so easily does in
Paris。
My expenses were very moderate； only I used up my year's income in
eight months； and spent the four summer months with my father； which
practically gave me twelve thousand francs a year； and； in addition； the
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reputation of a good son。 For the rest； not a penny of debt。
This； then； was my position when I made the acquaintance of
Marguerite。 You can well understand that； in spite of myself； my expenses
soon increased。 Marguerite's nature was very capricious； and； like so many
women； she never regarded as a serious expense those thousand and one
distractions which made up her life。 So； wishing to spend as much time
with me as possible； she would write to me in the morning that she would
dine with me； not at home； but at some restaurant in Paris or in the country。
I would call for her； and we would dine and go on to the theatre； often
having supper as well； and by the end of the evening I had spent four or
five louis； which came to two or three thousand francs a month； which
reduced my year to three months and a half； and made it necessary for me
either to go into debt or to leave Marguerite。 I would have consented to
anything except the latter。
Forgive me i