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have to carry the machine bodily。 The air at the top of the hill will do it
good； and it will suddenly come right again。 Going downhill it will start
reflecting what a nuisance it has been。 This will lead to remorse； and
finally to despair。 It will say to itself： 'I'm not fit to be a brake。 I don't
help these fellows； I only hinder them。 I'm a curse； that's what I am；' and；
without a word of warning； it will 'chuck' the whole business。 That is what
that brake will do。 Leave it alone。 You are a good fellow；〃 I continued；
〃but you have one fault。〃
〃What？〃 he asked； indignantly。
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〃You have too much faith；〃 I answered。 〃If you read an
advertisement； you go away and believe it。 Every experiment that every
fool has thought of in connection with cycling you have tried。 Your
guardian angel appears to be a capable and conscientious spirit； and
hitherto she has seen you through； take my advice and don't try her too far。
She must have had a busy time since you started cycling。 Don't go on till
you make her mad。〃
He said： 〃If every man talked like that there would be no
advancement made in any department of life。 If nobody ever tried a new
thing the world would come to a standstill。 It is by〃
〃I know all that can be said on that side of the argument；〃 I interrupted。
〃I agree in trying new experiments up to thirty…five； AFTER thirty…five I
consider a man is entitled to think of himself。 You and I have done our
duty in this direction； you especially。 You have been blown up by a patent
gas lamp〃
He said： 〃I really think； you know； that was my fault； I think I must
have screwed it up too tight。〃
I said： 〃I am quite willing to believe that if there was a wrong way of
handling the thing that is the way you handle it。 You should take that
tendency of yours into consideration； it bears upon the argument。 Myself；
I did not notice what you did； I only know we were riding peacefully and
pleasantly along the Whitby Road； discussing the Thirty Years' War； when
your lamp went off like a pistol…shot。 The start sent me into the ditch；
and your wife's face； when I told her there was nothing the matter and that
she was not to worry； because the two men would carry you upstairs； and
the doctor would be round in a minute bringing the nurse with him； still
lingers in my memory。〃
He said： 〃I wish you had thought to pick up the lamp。 I should like
to have found out what was the cause of its going off like that。〃
I said： 〃There was not time to pick up the lamp。 I calculate it
would have taken two hours to have collected it。 As to its 'going off；' the
mere fact of its being advertised as the safest lamp ever invented would of
itself； to anyone but you； have suggested accident。 Then there was that
electric lamp；〃 I continued。
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〃Well； that really did give a fine light；〃 he replied； 〃you said so
yourself。〃
I said： 〃It gave a brilliant light in the King's Road； Brighton； and
frightened a horse。 The moment we got into the dark beyond Kemp
Town it went out； and you were summoned for riding without a light。
You may remember that on sunny afternoons you used to ride about with
that lamp shining for all it was worth。 When lighting… up time came it
was naturally tired； and wanted a rest。〃
〃It was a bit irritating； that lamp；〃 he murmured； 〃I remember it。〃
I said： 〃It irritated me； it must have been worse for you。 Then there
are saddles；〃 I went onI wished to get this lesson home to him。 〃Can
you think of any saddle ever advertised that you have NOT tried？〃
He said： 〃It has been an idea of mine that the right saddle is to be
found。〃
I said： 〃You give up that idea； this is an imperfect world of joy and
sorrow mingled。 There may be a better land where bicycle saddles
are made out of rainbow； stuffed with cloud； in this world the simplest
thing is to get used to something hard。 There was that saddle you bought
in Birmingham； it was divided in the middle； and looked like a pair of
kidneys。〃
He said： 〃You mean that one constructed on anatomical principles。〃
〃Very likely；〃 I replied。 〃The box you bought it in had a picture on
the cover； representing a sitting skeletonor rather that part of a skeleton
which does sit。〃
He said： 〃It was quite correct； it showed you the true position of the…
…〃
I said： 〃We will not go into details； the picture always seemed to me
indelicate。〃
He said： 〃Medically speaking； it was right。〃
〃Possibly；〃 I said； 〃for a man who rode in nothing but his bones。 I only
know that I tried it myself； and that to a man who wore flesh it was agony。
Every time you went over a stone or a rut it nipped you； it was like riding
on an irritable lobster。 You rode that for a month。〃
〃I thought it only right to give it a fair trial；〃 he answered。
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I said： 〃You gave your family a fair trial also； if you will allow me
the use of slang。 Your wife told me that never in the whole course of
your married life had she known you so bad tempered； so un…Christian like；
as you were that month。 Then you remember that other saddle； the one
with the spring under it。〃
He said： 〃You mean 'the Spiral。'〃
I said： 〃I mean the one that jerked you up and down like a Jack… in…
the…box； sometimes you came down again in the right place； and
sometimes you didn't。 I am not referring to these matters merely to recall
painful memories； but I want to impress you with the folly of trying
experiments at your time of life。〃
He said。 〃I wish you wouldn't harp so much on my age。 A man at
thirty…four〃
〃A man at what？〃
He said： 〃If you don't want the thing； don't have it。 If your machine
runs away with you down a mountain； and you and George get flung
through a church roof； don't blame me。〃
〃I cannot promise for George；〃 I said； 〃a little thing will sometimes
irritate him； as you know。 If such an accident as you suggest happen； he
may be cross； but I will undertake to explain to him that it was not your
fault。〃
〃Is the thing all right？〃 he asked。
〃The tandem；〃 I replied； 〃is well。〃
He said： 〃Have you overhauled it？〃
I said： 〃I have not； nor is anyone else going to overhaul it。 The
thing is now in working order； and it is going to remain in working order
till we start。〃
I have had experience of this 〃overhauling。〃 There was a man at
Folkestone； I used to meet him on the Lees。 He proposed one evening
we should go for a long bicycle ride together on the following day； and I
agreed。 I got up early； for me； I made an effort； and was pleased with
myself。 He came half an hour late： I was waiting for him in the garden。
It was a lovely day。 He said：…
〃That's a good…looking machine of yours。 How does it run？〃
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〃Oh； like most of them！〃 I answered； 〃easily enough in the morning；
goes a little stiffly after lunch。〃
He caught hold of it by the front wheel and the fork and shook it
violently。
I said： 〃Don't do that； you'll hurt it。〃
I did not see why he should shake it； it had not done anything to him。
Besides； if it wanted shaking； I was the proper person to shake it。 I felt
much as I should had he started whacking my dog。
He said： 〃This front wheel wobbles。〃
I said： 〃It doesn't if you don't wobble it。〃 It didn't